I think this would have made more sense if it was a dream

Yesterday, I was walking along the path north from Winters. A few feet into the field to my right was a line of trees. On the ground below them I saw three squirrels. Normally, this would be strange for a January afternoon, but we have no snow here any more (as I write this it is warm enough to walk around outside without a coat). I've been noticing a lot of squirrels around campus lately, and they've been acting in a manner that suggests ownership of this space. We're all so busy fighting Lorna Marsden for this same area, calling it our 'Student Space,' that we've forgotten about the squirrels. They don't have to live by anyone's rules, least of all President Marsden's. These three were acting exceptionally strange. Considering that York is home to the weirdest, most aggressive squirrels out of any place I've been, these particular ones were the most fucked-up squirrels I've ever seen in my life.

One of them was gnawing all the bark off the broken branch. I stopped to watch, as this creature tore into its task, much as hyenas do to a carcass. After a few seconds it noticed me, and turned towards me a gaze that was less of a situational evaluation than an outright threat. 'That's right. I'm chewing through a branch. Get lost, because your flesh is a lot softer.'

After several harrowing seconds I remembered the size difference involved, and moved my attention to the next squirrel. This one was intent on getting into an overhanging tree. Instead of climbing up the trunk, which was about eight feet away, it seemed insistent on jumping a foot or two into the air to claw at a small, unsteady, swaying branch. The first time, it ended up hanging by its forepaws, swinging back and forth from the end of a branch that could not remain stable while supporting any animal larger than a mouse. Eventually, the squirrel had to let go. It tried and failed about four more times, and never did end up trying the trunk, probably because--

At that moment, a male voice cut through the quiet outdoor ambience, coming from somewhere up in McLaughlin residence, directly behind me.

'Hey Squirrel Boy! Get a room!'

What the eff.